PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
The Devils Dictionary
PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
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PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
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PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom—and of whom only—it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.
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PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
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CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
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CONVERSATION, n. A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.
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Pathos (noun)
A pre-packaged bundle of emotions designed to switch off your brain and switch on your loyalty.
Used in speeches, commercials, and war propaganda to make you cry, hate, or die for someone you’ve never met.
Pathos lasts until the next headline — but the damage it causes lasts forever.
PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
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EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.
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war on terror (n.): An attempt to extinguish a fire by dousing it with gasoline.
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war on drugs (n.): The noble enterprise of preserving the sanctity of alcoholism.
The New Devils Dictionary
webinar (n.): A modern nickname for what Dante identified as the eighth circle of hell. Please enter your passcode to gain entry to the correct bolgia.
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CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.
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CONSCIENCE, n. A morbid condition of the stomach, affecting the gray matter of the brain and producing a mental discord.
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HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one.
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SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.
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DOCTOR, n. A gentleman who thrives upon disease and dies of health.
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Proletariat: The working class who own no means of production and must sell their labor to survive. In history and society, they are the true pillar — the ones who build, sustain, and carry society on their shoulders.
CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
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Ethos (noun)
The fabricated aura of credibility that makes people forget to ask questions.
Built not on integrity, but on who shouts the loudest, stands longest in the spotlight, or owns the most channels.
Commonly employed by dictators, PR departments, and anyone who profits from being infallible in their own eyes.
Ruling Class (n.): A privileged minority who possess wealth and power, directing society while contributing little to its labor. Characterized by their dependence on the working class, and by their habit of starting wars they do not fight.
CORRUPT, adj. In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
The Devils Dictionary
WALL STREET, n. A symbol of sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter.
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HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.
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DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
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DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.
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POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
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RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
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SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing performance.
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DISHONESTY, n. An important element of commercial success, to which the business colleges have not as yet accorded an honorable prominence in the curriculum, but have weakly substituted penmanship.
The Devils Dictionary